Sorry...so much has been going on..I've been bad about journaling and blogging. Much to catch up on. Soon!

Ubuntu Linux is rocking good. I'm already weanered off of Windows. Besides, it has standard desktop backgrounds of naked girls, very tasteful, of course. Soooo...many good applications and utilities avalailable. I needed a strong CRM web base system and found SugarCRM -- unbelievable that this is free. Found many more audi/midi related open source programs.

Monday is scary. I think it is Pink Slip day for me: either they give me the pink slip or I show them the pink slip with my middle finger. Looks like it is back to being a struggling entrepreneur: I'm going to try and to it right this time, more discipline in structuring time, more collaboritive efforts with others --- multiple revenue streams (programming, writing, teaching, handyman...) - whatever it takes to stop giving the government soo much of my money and SS# that I will never see anyway. As a C-Corp, I probably can make 3/4 of the salaray I make now and net the same amount --- with a steep simplification of life -- probably half the salary I make now -- still won't cover all the debt, so I will work in a graveyard at nights...ANYTHING but to go back the whitewashed walls of high-tech Hillsboro.

That's it...done with Windows and supporting Microsoft (outside of work) !!! I had played around with Ubuntu (Linux) and liked it...but fell back to my crutch of certain MS Office applications. Have legal copy of XP and got caught in the "Must Activate...Invalid Certificate" and then get logged of. Copied of my important music and image files and then wiped my laptop clean. Now running Ubuntu "Fuzzy Beaver"...or whatever it's called. Good-bye Microsoft, hello open source, OpenOffice and the hundreds of music related programs I get for free.

Dear Diaryhaa,

Not to self again about jobs and not trusting your instincts:

1. Refuse to do a phone interview for screening: they are not interested in people. It takes less time and is more productive to drop by a company and have a 15 minute face-to-face screen. Especially, if it is a technical position and you draw pictures to communicate your knowledge.

2. Look at the company web site for community involvement, non-profit affiliations: You can find out real quick if this is all bull-shit to get "feel good" marketing and media attention.

3. You know it's a bad company/job when they say you need to be the BEST at high level cross-functional skills, communication skills, analysis skills and the BEST data structure/algorithm coder in the world. No such person exists.

Actual statement:

"We are a small company. Everyone is independent and needs to be very good from the highest level tasks to the lowest level task"

By actual answer: (done in a very friendly....way)

"From my experience, no such person exists"

At that point, I sealed my fate and I wanted to.

Sincerely yours...

Dear Diaryhaa,

On my long list of jobs to stay away from, that look really great on the surface:

Stay away from jobs where someone tells you to apply for it only if...

- You consider yourself the BEST in your field.
- High salary is not as important as stock options.
- Understand that this is a startup: don't apply if you are looking for a boring 8 - 5 job.
- Most important: "You are ready for work that is Life Changing".

What this means is: "We want to get the best people we can to work for as little as possible and make the inner circle of owners/invenstors a lot of money -- you should be thankful and honored to work for us.

Wow...I thought this was only in my age group of greedy, corporate blood suckers... - NOT!!! Same old history repeating itself. You can be any age and buy in to the bullshit of THE MAN.

Dear Diaryaa:

I've thought alot about poor, cute little "Gil" lately. I wonder if Bill Murray still has Gil in a little jar somewhere? I hope so...I just love Bill Murray. What about Bob? And what about "Gil" -- I miss them both soo. Such a loss, an emptiness, thinking of "Gil". I miss the way his cute little fish lips would pout..sometimes I would cast my voice and pretend he was talking to me...such a tiny, loving voice it was.

I've been thinking about wearing a little "Gil" in a jar around my neck at work. Little baby steps you know: small, innocent, Gil-like steps towards getting myself kicked out of my cubical at work...and...hopefully out the FUCKING DOOR!!! (I wonder if I should see doctor about Tourette's Syndrome - it just errupts sometimes..sigh..) Back to work...I guess.

I cant' take much more..I am going to go post-toasties! Worked all night (ok..half the night was creative ventures - but I can't breathe unless I have that time). I am sooo wasted. Deadline was today. Now I have until noon tomorrow: which fucking means I will get about 3 hours of sleep and start over. The money is no longer worth it, but it is a ball-and-chain until we get ourselves out of debt. I swear I have aged 5 years in the last year.

RAW NERVES -

Not exact title, but something more catchy. The theme is around the fact that I'm seeing "Raw Nerves", reaction against reaction going on all around me. People are nervous, blaming each other, getting desperate. Road rage, cyclist's versus bus rage, bus passenger versus cyclist rage, bus driver apathy rage, internet discussion groups anything but discussion ("fuck you", "you're a janitor, right?", "I hate yuppies like you", "You fucking evangelicals", "you fucking gays", etc. Wow people are scared and angry out there. Not much bridge building or reconciliation going on. Not much real discussion going on.

In the future, I should probably explain more the use of sarcasm-- my current target "Evangelicals" and right-wing "Christians". Feel like I have every right to and I should explain to people who are offended why. I'll need to at least back off on using my favorite word "FUCK" (ideas, not people) when communicating to this group -- probably does not build bridges with this group :) But I am trying to get a reaction and then engage in a discussion -- but "FUCK...FUCK...FUCK.." is a little bit too shocking for them. They are silently saying it back to me (geez, there I go again...too much sarcasm).

REPOST FROM MYSPACE (Im getting my blogs off of MYSPACE)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I THINK JESUS WENT FOR THE STEAK....
Current mood: amused
Category: Blogging


Oh, my gosh....lots of people gonna have fun with this one :) Another sample of how relevant Americanized Christianity is.

Url: http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/Health/story?id=1523179&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

WWJE? Probably ate whatever he could find the time to eat. The people that Jesus spent time with (according history: prostitutes, tax collectors, fishermen, children, adulterous women) probably honored him with the best they had: goat meat over a fire, pork grinds, can of beans and Boones-Farm Apple Wine. He probably let out a large BUUUUUURP at times too and made everyone laugh.

REPOST FROM MYSPACE

Friday, January 06, 2006

Deaf Rev. Jimmy Touring Churches - New Musical
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Blogging


NEWS FLASH!!!!! If he gets permission from Andrew Lloyd Weber....

The "Deaf Rev. Jimmy" is hard at work on a new musical satire. Soon to be touring Churches worldwide. Until a sample is ready, here is a delicious taste of some lyrics and staging:

Stage: Full-on gospel choir. Red, white halter tops; blue hot-pants with white stars.


"Georgey Bush.....Superstar....do you believe what you say you are.."

leading into...

Stage: Pat Robertson, shaved head. Back to audience kneeling before a standing-while-sleeping Georgey. Softly singing...

"I don't know how to love him......."

"He's just a man..but I've had soo many men before...he's just one more...should I kick his ass, should I love him more....
he SCARES ME SOOO."

Stage: An indignant Georgey, pacing back/forth. Smirkey faced and "I know something you don't" look on his face.

"What's the buzz, Chaney, tell me what's a happening....what's the buzz, FUCK, status on my phone wire tapping..."

Stage: Playing the role "Paunchy Pilot", Chaney whispers in George's hairy ear as they both stare into the cameras -- news conference. Unfortunately, a little kid in Bagdad had hacked into one of the CIA satellites and picked this up for later broadcast to the world:

"...you poor innocent....puppet..."

and... (more coming)

I know you all are as excited as I am!!! Sound samples will be available soon!!!

I am nervous. I stayed up all night to finish the bug fixes I was supposed to have done today. Unfortunately, I spent most of those hours working on songs... I've got to get some discipline around the creative angst I'm in or I am in deep shit.

WWJE - What Would Jesus Eat (inspired by web article about Christian Diets).
WWJI(FD) - Who Would Jesus Invite For Dinner (and what would he say) Same inspiration as above.

JIMMY DOW: A Pill For Every Mood - 2005 Songwriter's Catalog Jimmy Dow will rock you, laugh with you, soothe you and cry with you. An amazing variety of lyrical and song genre's. He is first a songwriter for other artists and for film. Let's call it strong vocals with acoustic folk, blues, rock and jazz crossover

NOTE: DISTRIBUTION STILL IN PROCESS, YOU CAN LISTEN TO SONGS CLICKING ON ABOVE IMAGE.





Yeah....Checked CD-Baby today. They are starting to load my audio files and cut for electronic distribution to over 40 indie distribution web and podcast sites!!!!

My thoughts sent to Dean (one of his aids that aggregate all the feedback)



link if you want to write him.

http://www.democrats.org/page/petition/chairman

Below is letter I sent:

------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello Senator Dean,

QUESTION: What is going to be the united Democratic front and agenda for reducing terrorism?

Strategy is important in getting Republican's out of office. Good politics requires tactics and enveiling of agendas at the right time.

My concern is that behind the scenes of getting rid of Bush and dishonest leadership, what is the actual agenda for Democratic for war on terrorism? There is none as far as I can tell. The plan is get rid of Bush first.

Please be careful and be ready to have a strategy and shift public focus to the agenda:

1. Get rid of the word "War on Terrorism".
2. Shift focus to advice from experts on the topic: We will never win a military war on Terrorism.
3. Take the risk of acknowledging that understanding the heart of Muslims, poor all across the world, negotiating and talking peace

Good article here (another attack is enevitable - despite billions of dollars wasted to stop it so far):

http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=942343

Quote:

'Analysts say taking up arms won't deter the next generation of bombers.

"Like pounding mercury with a hammer, applying raw military power likely won't do the trick," said Atran. "Get to know thy enemy instead of fueling the fire of would-be bombers by labeling jihadis as immoral and depraved annihilators," he said.

Atran adds that infiltrating terrorist networks should be the No. 1 priority, instead of dedicating all of our resources to the impossible task of defending every U.S. target.'.

Keep up the good work..and keep pulling out that guitar from time-to-time.

Sincerely,

James Dow (aka "Deaf Rev. Jimmy :)

Started the "Getting Over Yourself" vocal performer / actor workshop tonight. Four week workshop: group excersizes, practicing 2 group songs and singing solo in front of group; 1/2 hour individual vocal/performing lesson. The last class, friends & family come and the group performs and then we each do our solo. I'm doing "The Girl From Ipanema": 'cause I want to start writing & performing more jazz. Mark, the instructor is great. Fantastic voice, very encouraging.


Dreading this and looking forward to it during the day. End of day, I was wiped out, discourage and the last thing I want to do was drive downtown in the rain and embarass myself in front of strangers.


So glad I went. My first practice at "Girl from Ipanema" was as expected: frozen, tight, not sounding like I can sing. But everybody there has the same issues: "GET OVER YOURSELF".


Reflecting on the class driving home, I realized that this is a big step for me in just "getting over myself"; getting myself out there: meeting different people, stretching myself, learning that other people out there that do care about learning, creating and more than just putting in their time at work -- watch some tv, worry about work, start the cycle again. It is also a great way to encourage other people. It's not about 1 person being better than another in this class. It's a chance to encourage others.


Get over yourself, Jimmy. Get out of yourself. Get into other people.

Embarrassed beyond embarrassed today. Got an email at work from a past friend who I had recently reconnected with. Very brief sentence about a Sunday he will never forget: asked me to read the attached document. It was very looong. I started reading it...scanned for some key words --- "Adrian (his son)...neighbor...cows grazing..beautiful river...Nancy (huh..who's Nancy?)...Adrian stumbling in the river...eyes staring..CPR" ....CPR!!!! ADRIAN DIED!! NANCY WAS DISTRAUGHT (..who is Nancy?)


We were going to start exploring music collaboration ideas on Sunday; however, it was tentative -- he had a fishing trip that might still happen. We talked a long time on the phone Saturday about getting together, our common re-focus on things that matter (family, friends, community, creating) -- it was a great conversation. Part of my trying to be a better listener and friend. Lately, I have been sending emails to everyone and anything (probably interpreted as spam...very few people responding) about ENOUGH!! No more delaying focus on things that matter; putting up with shit that does not matter...life is tooo short!!! - my life is too short.


At work, tears started leaking, I was unhinged (probably my low Testosterone level these days). I rarely get unhinged! I went into action: "Ron, anything I can do...anything at all..a phone call...a errand...I know you need space. I'm leaving work now..just say it and I will do it...I am grieving for you as I think of my own children."


Sent an email to my teammates at work, "Emergency..tragedy with my friend - his son is dead. Offsite, work if I can until I hear from him".


Shaky-legged, I walked to my car and called my wife to tell her. Got to my 24x7, wifi-enabled, The Coffee Lodge (I frequent all night at times, working...more and more creating). Got my laptop set-up. Blasted off an email to my friend's partners where he works, "...Tragedy...you know Ron...anything I can to that you can think of...pick up some of his workload, anything..". Ordered some coffee...and re-read Ron's MS Word document."


I re-read the document several times. If I had a mirror, I swear I must have looked like G.W. Bush: trying to comprehend what he had done, trying to comprehend the question being asked and trying to comprehend the hidden speaker in his ear -- prompting the correct response. My eyes must have been fluttering with each synaptic firing of comprehension; finally, side-stepping the brain damage (see my info on what happens when you combine SEXual obsession with abstinence) all the signals hit me at once and HIT ME --- "Nancy, wife of my friend Adrian...watches our property...fishes with me..".


I am soo embarrassed. I fired off emails to Ron's co-workers.."I think I made a mistake..please, tell me I made a mistake" (you fucking idiot, you read the letter 3 times -- you made a big FUCKING mistake!!!). Fired of a much shorter version to Ron, "Please accept my apology for mistaking 'Adrian' as being your son...I did make a mistake didn't I? When you have time, please tell me I made a mistake". (You FUCKING, FUCKING, SELF-ABSORBED, BALDING, WASTING-YOUR-LIFE-AWAY, FUCKING, CORPORATE-ASS-KISSER, NOT-CARING-ENOUGH-ABOUT-YOUR-FAMILY-AND-FRIENDS, ASS HOLE -- you made a fucking mistake).


Deaf Rev. Jimmy (my alter ego) Analysis:


- I am hypersensitive right now recovering my true values.
- Estrogen level high.
- Testosterone low.
- I want to quit my high-tech job and work towards something that makes a difference.
- "See, you people...I care..I can think of others"
- I do care.
- I'm at that age: life short, life is precious.
- I love my children and family.
- Sub-consciously, I just wanted to leave my cubical..forever.


Sigh....So, I'm here at the coffee shop still until it's time to go home. I better work tonight or I will lose my job -- The maybe-irresponsible (maybe, believer and hopeful) side of me would not care; I don't think my wife would understand.

P.S. I'm not making light of this precious life lost. I'm trying to learn lessons. This WAS a very big loss for my friend, Ron. Very tramatic: next to the river, my friend trying to bring a true-friend back to life. Ardian's wife Nancy --- losing her friend, her husband, her love. My thoughts are with you..I cannot comprehend the loss. I cannot comprehend when the day will come that I lose someone that close to me: I don't fear my death -- I fear losing my family and friendships that I hope to have in the near future.

Rich -- in finding your email, your web site and your funny pranks, it all led me over here. This is something I've been looking for (beyond MySpace). I want to be a better neighbor this year. If you are open to it (along with soo many things to do), I would like to visit more and get to know each other better.

Thanks!