Current mood:	anxious
Current music:	Tinnitus

My First Entry: Embarassed & Introspective
Embarrassed beyond embarrassed today. Got an email at work from a past friend who I had recently reconnected with. Very brief sentence about a Sunday he will never forget: asked me to read the attached document. It was very looong. I started reading it...scanned for some key words --- "Adrian (his son)...neighbor...cows grazing..beautiful river...Nancy (huh..who's Nancy?)...Adrian stumbling in the river...eyes staring..CPR" ....CPR!!!! ADRIAN DIED!! NANCY WAS DISTRAUGHT (..who is Nancy?)


We were going to start exploring music collaboration ideas on Sunday; however, it was tentative -- he had a fishing trip that might still happen. We talked a long time on the phone Saturday about getting together, our common re-focus on things that matter (family, friends, community, creating) -- it was a great conversation. Part of my trying to be a better listener and friend. Lately, I have been sending emails to everyone and anything (probably interpreted as spam...very few people responding) about ENOUGH!! No more delaying focus on things that matter; putting up with shit that does not matter...life is tooo short!!! - my life is too short.


At work, tears started leaking, I was unhinged (probably my low Testosterone level these days). I rarely get unhinged! I went into action: "Ron, anything I can do...anything at all..a phone call...a errand...I know you need space. I'm leaving work now..just say it and I will do it...I am grieving for you as I think of my own children."


Sent an email to my teammates at work, "Emergency..tragedy with my friend - his son is dead. Offsite, work if I can until I hear from him".


Shaky-legged, I walked to my car and called my wife to tell her. Got to my 24x7, wifi-enabled, The Coffee Lodge (I frequent all night at times, working...more and more creating). Got my laptop set-up. Blasted off an email to my friend's partners where he works, "...Tragedy...you know Ron...anything I can to that you can think of...pick up some of his workload, anything..". Ordered some coffee...and re-read Ron's MS Word document."


I re-read the document several times. If I had a mirror, I swear I must have looked like G.W. Bush: trying to comprehend what he had done, trying to comprehend the question being asked and trying to comprehend the hidden speaker in his ear -- prompting the correct response. My eyes must have been fluttering with each synaptic firing of comprehension; finally, side-stepping the brain damage (see my info on what happens when you combine SEXual obsession with abstinence) all the signals hit me at once and HIT ME --- "Nancy, wife of my friend Adrian...watches our property...fishes with me..".


I am soo embarrassed. I fired off emails to Ron's co-workers.."I think I made a mistake..please, tell me I made a mistake" (you fucking idiot, you read the letter 3 times -- you made a big FUCKING mistake!!!). Fired of a much shorter version to Ron, "Please accept my apology for mistaking 'Adrian' as being your son...I did make a mistake didn't I? When you have time, please tell me I made a mistake". (You FUCKING, FUCKING, SELF-ABSORBED, BALDING, WASTING-YOUR-LIFE-AWAY, FUCKING, CORPORATE-ASS-KISSER, NOT-CARING-ENOUGH-ABOUT-YOUR-FAMILY-AND-FRIENDS, ASS HOLE -- you made a fucking mistake).


Deaf Rev. Jimmy (my alter ego) Analysis:


- I am hypersensitive right now recovering my true values.
- Estrogen level high.
- Testosterone low.
- I want to quit my high-tech job and work towards something that makes a difference.
- "See, you people...I care..I can think of others"
- I do care.
- I'm at that age: life short, life is precious.
- I love my children and family.
- Sub-consciously, I just wanted to leave my cubical..forever.


Sigh....So, I'm here at the coffee shop still until it's time to go home. I better work tonight or I will lose my job -- The maybe-irresponsible (maybe, believer and hopeful) side of me would not care; I don't think my wife would understand.

P.S. I'm not making light of this precious life lost. I'm trying to learn lessons. This WAS a very big loss for my friend, Ron. Very tramatic: next to the river, my friend trying to bring a true-friend back to life. Ardian's wife Nancy --- losing her friend, her husband, her love. My thoughts are with you..I cannot comprehend the loss. I cannot comprehend when the day will come that I lose someone that close to me: I don't fear my death -- I fear losing my family and friendships that I hope to have in the near future.